"My name is Stephanie. P - E - S - T. Stephanie."
"Bah, logic has no place in my life."
"This, I think, will need a rather lovely blend of violence and subtly. We may even need extreme explosives."
"Work interests me; I could just sit and watch it all day long."
"My name is Stephanie. P - E - S - T. Stephanie."
"Bah, logic has no place in my life."
"This, I think, will need a rather lovely blend of violence and subtly. We may even need extreme explosives."
"Work interests me; I could just sit and watch it all day long."
"I have the world's best gaydar! I can always find the gay man in a room - the only problem is he's usually the only one I actually like."
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
"Weather forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
"If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candle light."
"I do not like this word, 'Bomb'. It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
"Solutions are not the answer."
"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
"Procrastinate now. Don't put it off."
"I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize."
"Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some of them just don't have film!"
"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"Okay, so what's the speed of dark?"
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we even met."
"I intend to live forever... so far, so good."
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'"
"Here, officer. Hold my beer while I find my license."
"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
"A friend is someone who's there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else."
"In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots."
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
"I am nobody... Nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then!"
"If you want breakfast in bed... Sleep in the kitchen."
"As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect many splinters."
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses and all the kings' men, ate scrambled eggs for 2 weeks."
"hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?"
"There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."
"Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go."
"There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead."
"We've all had our moments, when we trip and fall. It's not a lot of fun to be laughed at by them all. But one trick that I always use, it's good, I guarantee. I grab someone by the shirt and pull them down with me."
"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'"
"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."
"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."
"People don't want to hear about other people. People want other people to hear about themselves.""Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them."
(Sign shown in a non-smoking zone) "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
"The report of my death was exaggerated."
"I met this guy who said he loved children. Then I found out that he was on parole for it."
"My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas. I told my roommate and he said, 'Do I know you?'."
"I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt."
"I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming!"
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
"I aint saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me."
"One guy had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumb print."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"I only go to work on days that don't end in a Y."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"When I was born, I was so surprised; I didn't talk for a year and a half."
"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old."
"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: My dad owns a liquor store."
"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty."
"Man has will, but woman has her way."
"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'. I went over. Nobody was home."
"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."
"A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country."
"The word 'Politics' is derived from the word 'Poly', meaning 'Many', and 'Ticks', meaning 'Blood sucking parasites'."
"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo."
"It may be true that you can't fool all people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country."
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. By then it was too late."
"Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death."
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
"There are three rings of marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
"I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'll gladly eat a network executive or a politician."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
"I never cease to be dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe."
"We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction."
"You can't see the world if your eyes are filled with tears."
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: Everyone can see it, but only you get that warm feeling that it brings."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep - Not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.""Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door."
"Never argue with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
