Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons..
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No'
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse..
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard
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Some of this hillarious as hell some of it makes my head spins... I simply lack the skill to understand it :P
The Anime Laws!
1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime MotionIn space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
7. First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
11. Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
13. Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.
14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.
15. Law of Inexhaustability
No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.
18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.
20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't...
22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
a) be female
b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
--Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
--Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.
36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination
Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
a) The Hero/Leader
b) His girlfriend
c) His Best Friend/Rival
d) A Hulking Brute
e) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
--Extreme Coolness
--Amazing intelligence
--Incredible Irritation
37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
There is no Law #43.
44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives
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Things I Must Not (Must) do at Hogwarts
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1.I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
2. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class. It will not get me extra credit.
3. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
4. I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month", no matter how sympathetic I think I am to the situation.
5. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my older brother's old Calculus book.
6. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls. Nor am i allowed to use the theme from Mission Impossible.
7. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
8. "Draco Malfoy, Is My Snuggle Bunny" is not an acceptable quidditch chant.
9. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween. Or Lucius Malfoy. Or Hitler.
10. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.
11. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
12. Bringing fortune cookies to Divinations class does not count as extra credit.
13. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps. Why Chocolate Frogs are allowed and not these is beyond me.
14. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintball.
15. I will not wear A MUDBLOOD AND PROUD OF IT shirt to DE meetings and act surprised when they attack me.
16. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree-house in the whomping willow
17. I will not use silencing charms on my professors.
18. I will not scream bloody murder everytime I see Filch
19. I will not ride around hogwarts in an uncontrollable cart going really fast with no breaks, and chase Snape around while causing general chaos.
20. I will not throw a surprise party for Snape and write him romantic poems no matter how much I think he needs a hug.
21. I will not purposefully run face on into every wall I see.
22. I will not make popping sounds with my mouth(like Donky from Shrek)and laugh when the teacher gives you a funny look.
23. I will not look at the ceiling for along time, and when I see other people looking at the ceiling too, trying to figure it out, say "What are you looking at?".
24. I will not grimace painfully while smacking my forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" while around the younger students.
25. I will not answer the professors' questions with meows.
26. I will not draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other students that this is my "personal space."
37. I will not get a black dog, name it Grim, and take it to Divination class.
28. I will not invent a cereal. There are no such thing as Voldios, and they are not magically delicious.
29. I will not yell "Pick me! Pick me!" when Snape hands out detentions.
30. I will not sing The Song That Never Ends. While drunk. In the Great Hall. To the first years..
31. I will not wait for Snape to run away from me to yell "Why are you doing this, Severus? YOU KNOW THIS IS YOUR BABY!"
32. I will not send Snape love notes signed "Wormtail"."
33. When called upon in class, I will not insist that the correct answer is 42
34. I will not add "according to the prophecy" to raise my Divination grade (though that could work)
35. I will not tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor Beans taste better if you them all at once
36. Im not allowed to bother Snape and Dumbledore does not do "naked time"
37. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice
38. The four houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Brainiacs and the Junior Death Eaters.
39. My headmasters name is Albus Dumbledore, not Gandalf
40. Yelling "to infinity and beyond" was only funny the first time I took off from my broom.
41. I will refrain from calling Fred and George - Merry and Pippin, Harry and Ron - Frodo and Sam, and it probably isnt smart to call Draco Legolas either.
42. Telling Draco to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.
43. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout “To the Batmobile, Robin”
44. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
45. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.
46. I will not tickle the sleeping dragon “just to see what happens”
47. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here
48. I will not refer to the DADA profs or Gryffindors as “Red shirts”
49. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry’s prized Firebolt
50. I will not scare the First years with wild tales of an omniscient Author who controls our very destinies.
51. Making a Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person I copied to make them act crazy/ act like a human mirror is not funny
52. Ron Weasley does not appreciate being called “Boy Wonder” and he definitely does not want to wear green tights
53. Putting a Snitch in Malfoy’s pants really isn’t funny, even if it does make him scream like a girl.
54. Putting fake spiders in Ron’s bed is certainly not funny, especially when he tries to jump out the window.
55. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
56. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can produce, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
57. Growing marijuana (or weed for everyone else) is not an extra credit project for Herbology. Although it might win the war if I can get Voldemort addicted.
58. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
59. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball
60. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "Let me out".
61. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
62. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
63. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers
64. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
65. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
66. I will not lick Trevor. or kiss him. Even if he could turn into a Prince. It might be Snape anyways, and he wouldn't be too happy with me.
67. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
68. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
69. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
70. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape/McGonagall s/he takes himself too seriously.
71. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
72. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
73. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!"
74. Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy professor make. Funny, it is not.
75. During the Spring Annual Good vs. Evil Match I will not raise my wand in the air and yell “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”
76. “Ooh ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang is not a spell.
77. I am not a sloth Animagus.
78. I am aloud to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not, however, allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.
79. I do not weigh the same as a duck
80. I will stop asking my Arithemancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
81. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul are completely coincidental
82. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed to as: Admiral Naismith or Mon Capitan or Napoleon.
83. Asking a Gryffindor, How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense? and walking away is only funny the FIRST time.
84. 42 is not the only answer to every questing on the OWLS
85. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself to seriously.
86. I am not allowed to owl suspected Death Eaters a list of Evil Overlords.
87. I will not offer to make tandoori owl.
88. I will stop asking Snape when we will make Love Potion No. 9
89. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
90. My name is not Captain Subtext
91. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.
92. Professor Flitwicks first name is not Yoda.
93. I am not the Defense Against Boring Classes professor.
94. I am not allowed to use the words pimp cane in front of Draco.
95. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed, and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the outcome would be.
96. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled Firewhiskey.
97. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
98. First years are not to be fed to fluffy.
99. A wand is for magic. Not for picking noses, playing snooker, or practicing my drum playing no matter how bored I become.
100. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in potions class
101. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
102. Novelty and Holiday themed ties are not appropriate for school uniform.
103. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot
104. I should not refer the DADA teachers as the canaries in the coalmine.
105. I will restrain myself from saying: Dude, get a life. When facing Lord Voldemort.
106. I am not allowed to place muggle fairytale books under the history section of the library.
107. There is not now, nor will there ever be a fifth house at Hogwarts. I am not a member of this house, or the founder.
108. I will not refer using the Accio charm as Using the force.
109. Albus Dumbledores proper title is Headmaster, not: The Gandalf Wannabe
110. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesized her death.
111. I will not use Gryffindors and Slytherins as Christmas decorations.
112. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel and sick joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
113. If asked in class what the Avada Kadavra curse does yelling, IT DOES DEATH!! I not the appropriate response.
114. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
115. Ravenclaws do not in any circumstance find a sign saying: The library is closed for an indefinite time. Amusing in any sense.
116. I will not try to recreate the Key of Time in Transfiguration class.
117. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I will not install one in one of my muggle cars.
118. I am not allowed to use any silencing charms on my Professors.
119. I will not set Hermiones time turner to rotate every half hour.
120. If the thought of a spell causes me to giggle for more than 15 consecutive seconds, I must assume that I am not aloud to use it.
123. I will not refer my X-files videos to be: Auror Training Videos.
124. When being interrogated by the staff, I am not allowed to wave my hand and announce, These are not the droids you are looking for.
125. Albus Dumbledore is not the devil.
126. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
127. I will not follow potion instructors in reverse just to see what happens.
128. I am not to claim that there is a prequel to Hogwarts, one that explains the about Bilbo Baggins.
129. I will not, under any circumstance, ask Harry Potter who died and declared him boss.
130. I am not allowed to refer Susan Bones, Hanna Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
131. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even though it would be amusing.
132. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.
133. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and make bets on which House will come out alive.
134. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are, in fact, real animals.
135. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
136. I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
137. I will not douse Harry Potters invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he becomes visible when walking in front of the fire in the common room.
138. I will not tell the first years that Moon Prism Power is the basic spell for Transfiguration.
139. I will not yell, Believe it. OR NOT! in random parts of Dumbledores speeches.
140. My name is not Dark Lord Happy Pants and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
141. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.
142. I will not try to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.
143. Never ask Harry if is Scar Senses are tingling.
144. Voldemort is not Gonandorf and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
145. I am not to sing the entire Multiplication Rock, song during Arithmancy exams.
146. I will not charm the suites of armor in the Great Hall to do a reenactment of the musical number, Were knights of the Round Table. For the Christmas Feast.
147. I will not refer Professor McGonagall as: McGoogles.
148. I am not aloud to make lightsaber noises with my wand.
149. Wearing my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT shirt to school is not a good idea
150. I am not allowed to recreate famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the Charms corridor.
151. I am not to declare an official: Hug a Slytherin day.
152. I am not to refer myself as Tim the Enchanter to first years.
153. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use my war cries every time I enter a classroom.
154. It is not necessary to yell, BAM! every time I apparate.
155. I am not allowed to commandeer Gryffindors sword from Dumbledores office and use it to patrol the hallways.
156. I cannot sing Attack of the Killer Tomatoes theme song during Herbology.
157. I am not allowed to pain the house elves blue and refer to them as smurfs.
158. I will not organize the Hogwarts Fight Club
159. It is a bad idea to tell Snape that he takes himself too seriously.
160. I will not tell first years that Snape is the voice of God.
161. I will not dress up as a Dementor and use a dust buster to use on Harrys lips to try to convince him to do what I want.
162. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall
163. To conquer the earth with my army of flying monkeys is apparently not the best career option..
164. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife
165. It is not necessary to yell, Oooo BURN! every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.
166. Yall check this bad boy out! is not the appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
167. I will not hold my wand up in the air before casting a spell and shout, I have the power!
168. I am not the king of the potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.
169. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do a time warp will not get me extra house points.
170. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and have students say Ni while hiding about the corridor
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The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on
I'm smiling. That really should scare you.
Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me
Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas
If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
When in doubt, push random buttons!
Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter
If you can't beat the computer at chess, try kickboxing.
When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"
There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking
He who laughs last thinks slowest
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work
I'm not cynical, I just see things the way they are
I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid
It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.
There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good
I'm not as dumb as you look
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Sarcasm is one more free service we offer.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to
Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Anything thrown hard enough should hurt.
Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Are you gonna drink that?"
When I was born, I was so shocked that I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.
The trouble with life, is there's no background music.
I couldn't repair you brakes, so I made your horn louder.
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!
Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I will not follow. If you want to walk besides me, go far it, but don't expect a big reaction...
For people who like peace and quiet: Get a PHONELESS CORD!
I don't get even, I get odder.
I have a photographic memory, but it takes a day to develop.
I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly, if it's worth it.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why...some people seem bright until you hear them speak.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good!"
If Fed ex and UPS merge, they would be called Fed UP.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Love me, Hate me, make a voodoo doll of me and stick it full of pins, I will continue to be indifferent to you.
To be alone is to be different; to be different is to be alone.
The beatings will cease once moral improves.
Excuse me while I find a container for my joy.
People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.
Laws to live by:
Murphy's law: 1. If anything can go wrong, it will." 2. "If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way" 3. "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way."
Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies: As a discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.
Hanlon's razor: 1. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. 2. Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice.
Amara's Law: "We tend to overestimate the effect of a technology in the short run and underestimate the effect in the long run.
Benford's law of controversy: The Passion of an agruement is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available.
Dilbert Principal: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
Gall's Law: "A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked."
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.
Hutber's Law: "Improvement means deterioration".
Littlewood's Law: Individuals can expect a miracle to happen to them at the rate of about one per month.
Meadow's Law: One is a tragedy, two is suspicious and three is murder, until proved otherwise.
Muphry's Law: If you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.
Okrent's Law: The pursuit of balance can create imbalance because sometimes something is true.
Parkingson's Law:Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.
Peter's Principle: In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
Reilly's Law: People generally patronize the largest mall in the area.
Roemer's Law: A hospital bed built is a bed filled
Rothbard's Law: Everyone specializes in his own area of weakness.
Sayre's Law: "In any dispute the intensity of feeling is inversely proportional to the value of the stakes at issue." By way of corollary, the law adds: "That is why academic politics are so bitter."
Schneier's Law: Any person can invent a security system so clever that she or he can't think of how to break it.
Segal's Law A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure."
Skitt's Law: a corollary of Muphry's law, variously expressed as "any post correcting an error in another post will contain at least one error itself" or "the likelihood of an error in a post is directly proportional to the embarrassment it will cause the poster."
Stigler's Law: No scientific discovery is named after its original discoverer.
Sturgeon's Revelation: 90 percent of everything is crap.
Sutton's Law: Go where the money is.
Wiener's Law: There are no answers, only cross-references.
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"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of its students."
"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives."
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
